My Love, 12/10/17
Today was absolutely surrealistic. The joy that I’ve felt over the years I’ve spent with you was nothing compared to the overwhelming happiness that I experienced today. Despite being so nervous before the wedding, visualizing your smile in my head settled my nerves and assured me that everything would be fine. I slipped into my gossamer white bridal gown and patted my intricately curled hair. Glancing back one last time at the wall-length mirror, I knew that I was more than ready to see you.
I could see myself walking down the rose petal covered aisle towards you. The stained-glass windows reflected shades of iridescent hues on the ground as if shining a path to you. Finally, I reached the end of the aisle, and we stood hand-in-hand, awaiting the priest’s pronouncement of us as husband and wife. As we spoke our vows and conveyed our love to each other, I started to tear up a little. I know that my mother warned me of the superstition that crying during a wedding brings misfortune and turmoil to the marriage, but at this point, I didn’t care. Finally, the priest said the magic words, and I jumped into your arms, leaning in for a kiss. The flower girls giggled cheerfully and averted their eyes, while everyone hollered excitedly for our union.
After crossing over the threshold of the church, together, we excitedly raced down the staircase. Running towards the bright red motorcycle that waited for us at the bottom of the steps, I can still remember the many adventures we’ve had on this small vehicle. Remember those nights so long ago when we would take this humble motorbike and explore the entire city? As we sped down the dirt paths, I snuggled against the crook of your neck and felt truly content. We took a rather picturesque route, but we traveled so quickly that our surroundings went by in a whir. People say that I have a ridiculously wild imagination, but as we crossed each road, it almost felt as if we were soaring through the clear, cloudless blue sky. Birds were chirping happily and the sun was shining brightly. It was as if the entire world were celebrating our union and our love for each other…
Then, all too soon, I felt my head slowly slip from its resting place in the palm of my hand. As I slowly regained my senses, I realized that I was in my kitchen with my hand loosely wrapped around the mixer. Feeling rather disoriented, I reached my hand up to feel frosting smudged on my face and some strands of my hair. Guess I was daydreaming again…
With love,
Yours and yours only
My Love, 12/15/17
After a long day of work, all I could think about was getting to you. Just visualizing your warm smile filled my heart with content. In fact, as I was riding the motorcycle you gifted me after you became bedridden, my surroundings whizzed by me as quickly as lightning. However, I’m sorry to say that I had to make one last stop. I had to go to the cupcake café. Shh… I can’t tell you my reason for being here until the time is right. The door was pushed open, with the bell cheerfully announcing my arrival, and a wave of nostalgia rushed over me. I remember the many visits we have made to this shop to satisfy our almost insatiable sweet tooths.
I remember how much you adored the fragrant scent of the cupcakes, so I ordered a box of them for you. Then, I might have eaten one from the box… It is not my fault my temptation got the best of me! After safely securing the package to the motorcycle, I started it up and went on my way. Halfway through the trip, I stopped again because a twinkling display caught my eye. It was a miniature Christmas tree, bedecked in shining lights and small ornaments. A glimmering star glowed on top. Hmm, this might be a good idea for your surprise present…
With love,
Yours and yours only
My Love, 12/17/17
Today, you somehow had this urge to visit the local church. It might’ve seemed like an odd request to another person, but I understood what you meant. So, I carefully helped you out of bed, with my arms trying to support the weight of your body. Together, we cautiously walked towards your wheelchair stationed at the corner of the room. Ever since your health gradually deteriorated, you became debilitated, so your doctors assigned a wheelchair for you to travel around on. It was absolutely heartbreaking for me when I initially heard of the news, but I learned to cope with it. As we walked, I could see you clench your fists tightly. Looking up at your face, I noticed that you were gritting your teeth. I knew that being in this position was taking a toll on not only your physical health but also on your mental health. Once you were settled in your wheelchair, I wheeled you out of the apartment and onto the street. The church was very close, so we didn’t have to travel far. When we arrived at the church, the Reverend welcomed us. Together, we ventured to the second floor and stopped at the balcony overlooking the empty pews. An array of vivid colors streamed in from the windows and bathed the church in a heavenly glow.
I could see you becoming teary-eyed as you stared at the altar. Suddenly, your hand timidly extended towards mine. Immediately, I held onto yours, and we continued looking at the altar together. I knew what you were thinking. You were thinking about what our lives would have been like if you had not succumbed to it. I knew that although you never displayed it, deep down, you felt devastated that we could never experience the future we’ve always wanted to share together.
Do not worry. I know that you are afraid, but I will lead you out of the darkness and into the light. We will craft our fairytale ending that we’ve dreamed of for so long. I know that my destiny is tied with yours, and I am not willing to give up the fight for you just yet. I love you.
With love,
Yours and yours only
My Love, 12/25/17
I was fast asleep and dreaming about another one of my fantasies again. This time in my dream, you could stand all by yourself, and you were even supporting my weight as I leaned against you. You looked so content and at peace, with no trace of frustration on your face at all. The greatest, most wonderful part of my dream, however, was the most adorable baby that lay placidly in the stroller. It just seemed impossible to look away from her. Smiling contentedly, I rested my head on your shoulder as we watched our daughter, swaddled in a pink blanket, coo and contemplate about the two people admiring her beauty. She emitted an innocent glow, but her soft blue eyes conveyed wisdom way beyond her years. Her eyes seemed to emit excitement as they darted around to observe her surroundings. Our beautiful daughter had finally made her entrance into this world.
The priest christened our baby, wishing her long-lasting happiness and longevity. She was not aware of the burdens her life would bring, but I knew that we would protect her no matter what. She was both of us together, and I knew that our lives were just starting with her in the world…
***
I woke up with a start to the gentle stroke of a wooden pencil against the rough surface of paper. Groggily rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I noticed you staring intently at your notebook, sketching something. You were always artistic.
Curious, I deftly snatched the book out of your hands. You hesitated but finally allowed me to take a glance. As I scanned the pages, I discovered that you were working on a sketch of me sleeping peacefully. I’m glad you did not completely give up on your talent. However, I noticed a small message scrawled at the bottom. You noticed my eyes glance downwards and took the book away from me before I could decipher what it said. Why did you seem so alarmed when I was about to read that message? I was curious, but I was distracted for now by the tasks I had to accomplish today.
***
It was very late into the night, and the roads were deserted. Piles of snow clumped on the sides of the road. You were constantly asking me questions about where we were going and why we had to go out so late at night. I just smiled in response, knowing how excited you’d be once you witnessed my surprise.
I maneuvered your wheelchair towards the park entrance and pushed you towards a large, holographic screen that I had set up earlier today. Smiling at your perplexed expression, I pulled out a flashlight from underneath the layers of my clothes and directed it in front of us, illuminating a dark surface of a holographic screen. A few weeks ago, I had ordered that screen online, which arrived several days later. Today, I spent most of my afternoon in the park setting up the surprise. It required a lot of work to get it ready, but in the end, I managed to get the job done. Using a roller, I brushed away the black layer to reveal a Christmas tree. It towered over us, with its branches adorned in glistening lights. It looked so realistic that I reached towards it, expecting to feel the uneven texture of pine needles. It has been so long since we have actually celebrated a proper Christmas, and I know how much the holidays have meant to you. Your doctors demanded that you should be sequestered in your room as much as possible so you have never truly witnessed a Christmas tree or admired its magnificence in a long time. I hope this opportunity will remain as a fond recollection for us to look back on. Besides, you always tease me about my clumsiness with technology, so why not take this moment to prove also that I am not as inept as I seem? Afterward we packed up the screen, you thanked me profusely for this amazing experience, and then we quickly returned home. I went silent for a while as we crossed the roads because my mind had wandered back to the message you had written in your sketchbook. I could visualize it clearly now. The message that you had refused to allow me to read said: I’m sorry I let you down.
With love,
Yours and yours only
My Love, 3/20/18
Do you remember the first time we met? I was in a hurry to meet my friend. I grabbed a coffee and was practically running towards her apartment building. Due to my hastiness, I wasn’t watching where I was going and ran straight into you. I spilled my coffee all over your flannel! Because I was so socially awkward, I could barely look you in the eye and even attempted to wipe the stain off your clothes with the spare napkins I always kept in my purse. However, you did not seem to care about the spilled coffee. In fact, you swept back the hair that was falling in my face to look me in the eye and offered to purchase me another coffee! After that, I hadn’t seen you, but I would often frequent the block where we first met, secretly hoping to find you. It must’ve been fate that brought us together again because, one day, I found you at the exact same spot where I had spilled coffee on you. We agreed to talk again and exchanged phone numbers to contact each other.
As we began to see each other more often, our once platonic feelings blossomed into something more. We would visit each other whenever possible. From late movie nights to sweet lunch dates, every moment with you seemed so wonderful. You always emitted this infectiously cheerful vibe. I realized that before we even knew each other, I was so unlike you. It seemed to me as if the world had turned its back on me. I was not on good terms with my parents, and without their guidance, it just seemed as if there was no future for me. However, whenever we met and talked, you always seemed so passionate and enthusiastic about life. You would rave about your dream of becoming an artist. You had already put together a portfolio of your best pieces to route to prestigious art schools. Whenever you spoke of your desire to be recognized worldwide for your art, you radiated so much ardor. I didn’t mind that you spent most of the time talking about your future because I knew, even from the moment I first met you, that our lives would be intertwined. Because of you, I decided to give my life a second chance. Looking into your eyes, I knew that we would share a future together. Besides, you always had a cute sparkle in your eyes whenever you talked about your dreams.
Despite the mistakes that I’ve made in our relationship, despite the number of tears we shed together, we still stayed together in hopes of having a future together. You would go to art school, while I would study to become a pastry chef. We would build a house together and start a family. Everything just seemed so perfect until…
You told me of your illness. You told me how you were fighting it, how you were struggling. I promised you that I would protect you no matter the costs. All of a sudden, after a year of being together, the disease became stronger, increasing in its power over you and overtaking your will to live. You had gotten surgery a few months before, but it just seemed as if it did not have a long-lasting result. As your body degenerated, it robbed you of your ability to move on your own. However, the sickness also robbed you of your most defining trait: your liveliness. That was so devastating for me as I watched life get drained out of you little by little. You became depressed, dejected with the way your life had spiraled down so abruptly. Even though you tried to suppress your burdened feelings when you were around me, I could hear your cries of pain some nights. I knew you were on the verge of losing the will to fight when you gifted me with your treasured motorcycle. I tried everything to make things better, from treating you to small surprises every day to giving you memorable gifts. I tried my very best to give you a reason to look forward to life.
And for a while, it worked. You seemed happier and even started to smile a bit since you started to succumb to the illness. But I guess, it is not the way of the world for good things to last forever. Here I am, now, writing to you as you rest peacefully in the earth.
I’ve read your journal, which conveyed the feelings buried within you. I know how sorry you felt that you couldn’t satisfy what I wanted in life for us. Just know that I do not blame you. I never did and never would. I only wanted the best for you. You led me out of the bad place that I was in and into the light, and I am forever thankful. The years that we have shared together have brought me so much joy. Now that you’re gone, I still want only the best for you. I hope that you can rest peacefully knowing that you are and always will be loved. Always.
With love,
Yours and yours only
Published February 6, 7, and 10, 2022
Written by Mackenzie Chen ~ Graphics created by Tanya Gu
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