I’m Not Dead Yet

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I’m not dead yet. Right?

I know that I’m not dead, yet the weight of my body in this chair is suffocating. This office is an ocean that I’m drowning in, dark thoughts filling my head and lungs. This entire room is a void, where the only source of light comes from my phone and the computer screen in front of me. Everything’s in pieces and I don’t know how to fix it. When I try to move, it feels like something is holding me down, like wicked hands with malicious intent. They come and go as they wish, grabbing onto my body. Their touch flashes one word in my mind: Gross

The more I try to fight against them, the worse the feeling becomes.

I hate the light of a computer.

It’s taunting me, I know it is. I’m sick of asking for extensions and saying that I’m swamped when the only swamp I’m stuck in is the one filled with the empty thoughts of the empty promises I made. Deadlines I can’t meet and people I can’t see. I wish I could click on just one email.

I try to lift my hand and reach the mouse. It’s so close that I know that I can make it. Yet, I could feel a slimy hand touch me, and it feels wrong. I want to pull away from the hand’s touch, but I persevere and push forward.

It’s worse!

I don’t know if I want to touch the mouse ever again! I feel violated.

I sit in the dark, my phone screen being the only source of light. The blue hue hits the wall as I scroll through pictures of people doing better than I am. I see them with their cars and vans and money and children and love and dogs and friends and family and coffee, and, and...

Their happiness.

I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help it.

I want to help the world, I want to be important. But how can I be someone like that if my body can’t even move to check a few emails?!

I start scrolling through the various posts when I see something that catches my eyes. A video, kids talking about how they want to help people. Kids are so innocent. They know nothing of the world, yet they want to help anyway...

I want to help. I don’t care. If I can change the world by checking these emails, then I want to help.

I force myself to reach the mouse. It creates this agonizing feeling mixed with this horrible sensation that it almost feels as if I might just die. When I get there, the feeling vanishes. When I finally click and read, I smile.

One small step for me. One giant leap towards my dream.

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Published April 5, 2021

Written by Abigail Mirambel ~ Edited by Sarah Wilenzick ~ Graphics created by Elwin Fu